Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Adam called me fat

Over the past few years, we have had a lot of ups and downs, and I've been open to sharing them with my friends, family, and clients. I'm not worried about anyone judging me. My "judgmental" opinion is that the people that loudly judge everyone, while keeping their own faults private, are usually the miserable ones anyone.

One thing I have learned I can't fake is being fat. I'm fat. I know it. I want to be skinny, but right now I'm not. One day I was trying on an outfit and I asked Adam if the shirt made me look fat. He hemmed and hawed and then said, "Honey, the shirt doesn't make you look fat. You being fat makes you look fat." Gasp! In our marriage, it wasn't shocking and didn't upset me -- I laughed. You see, Adam is right. I was trying to fake something I wasn't. No matter what I wear, I'm not going to fool anyone into thinking my body is the same as Cindy Crawford's. (By the way, Adam read this and said "Cindy Crawford? Really? That's who you pick?" I said her name was the first I thought of. Adam said Jennifer Aniston is better. Hmm should I worry? Ha!) Adam is blunt like myself and it works well in our marriage. He isn't fake with me. If you ask him if he has an obese wife, he'd say yes. But everyday he tells me how beautiful I am. That isn't fake.

I've had someone tell me that I should get skinnier during our adoption process to be able to be a better mom for when we would bring Allie home. I'm a good mom. Being skinny doesn't make you a good mom. I run on the treadmill. I bike, run, skate, etc. with my kids. I'm a good mom, and my weight has not hindered my playtime with my children.

However, I'm not setting a good example. I want teach my kids that they just need to keep trying their hardest and they will get better. We preach that over and over and over again. No matter how frustrating, just keep trying -- your hardest. I've been "trying" for the last 6 years -- but not my hardest. I try to diet and sometimes I lose 30 pounds, and sometimes I quit after being on a diet for 3 hours. There are so many excuses -- and I HATE when people give excuses. So why do I feel it is okay to keep giving excuses? Why do I keep telling my kids to try and they'll get better, when I'm not practicing what I preach?

Even worse, I have a hormone problem that mimics diabetes and there is a very, very high chance of me being diabetic at a very young age. In just a couple of years, my doctor will test me once a year and then start twice a year. I've known this since I was 23. It isn't news to me. But yet, if I'm being honest, I'm jeopardizing my future with my family for instant gratification at In-N-Out Burger. I don't want to be that person. I may not be able to prevent the early diabetes with PCOS, but my doctor said that getting the weight off will definitely help me. He said I'd struggle with it my entire life, but the less I weigh the less my symptoms will be. (Jillian from the Biggest Loser said practically the same thing -- and she knows everything. :-)

I'm not perfect. I never will be nor do I want to be and nor do I want to portray that I am. However I am very self-reflective and I am always trying to be a better person, and rid my life of negative. So in my life right now, this is what I struggle with the most. This is what I need to work on. And I have tried so many different diets, but I've never tried just getting it out in the open and asking for support and accountability. Tomorrow, Wednesday, I will start part one of the 17 Day Diet. While I won't be skinny in 17 days, I will have met my first goal of just simply being on a super strict diet for 17 days. If I can't stick to something for just 17 days, what example am I giving my children when skateboarding gets hard? School gets hard?

17 days. I can do this.

1 comment:

  1. I love this post! It is every thought, fear, reality and fantasy of my life!! (Cindy or Jennifer!!) Love your honesty..really. 17 Days girl..it's just 17 days..not even a full month... not even 3 weeks! You got this. Sending love, strength and many prayers of thanks for you!